Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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