Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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