Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
