Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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