Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
