Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
