I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you