saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.