Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
