I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
