Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
