i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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