You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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