First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
