I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
