I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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