I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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