Me. At least after what I've been through.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
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of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
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You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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