i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
