Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
