I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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