so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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