I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
