It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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