one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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