Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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