Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
