I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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