Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
