Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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