Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
