I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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