in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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