highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
