My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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