I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
