Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no you cant smoke seaweed
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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