Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
