Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i will never coherently bang her
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
