Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
