you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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