I wish I only lived at night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
