Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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