u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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