We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
