I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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