woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
