i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
