I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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