You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
