i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
