too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
