I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
