It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
