I must be too annoying 4 u.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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