I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
