I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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