so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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