A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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