I think my vagina is haunted
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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